Central Coast Mariners Go Down Like A Well Paid Escort


With the history of this fixture being Wellington unable to win at Gosford since 2014 and the Mariners with excellent first halves in most of this seasons games, you wouldn’t be silly to think the Mariners could get a rare win this evening.

Well you are silly.

The Central Coast Mariners have been making headlines this week with Mulvey putting a halt to a party in the Coastal city. Hoole and Pain being the two examples of this as they watch the game from their corporate box. Pain reportedly pulling a Fornaroli at training and Hoole getting caught out on the piss. Although with tonight’s performance, I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking the entire team have been out on the piss.

As the game starts slow with both teams feeling each other out, the Mariners were the first to make dangerous runs into Wellington Phoenix’s area. Unfortunately for Mariners fans, there wasn’t much in it. In the meantime, the Nix players concluded tonight would be a great opportunity to smash some records.

In just under 8 minutes Roy Krishna up on the left side, attempts a pass to his man in the middle of the box but CCM’s Graham decided he’d like to play a game of ‘who can embarrass themselves the most this evening’ and gets in the way during an attempted clearance. Unfortunately for the lad his leg sends the ball into the back of the goal.

How embarrassing can this get? Oh man you have no idea.

Only 3 minutes later, which sometimes 3 minutes is all it takes, Krishna again with the eye for goal sees Kennedy off his line. Krishna lobs a shot over the keeper and the Nix are 2-0 up away from home.

As we’re all preparing our ‘stop they’re already dead’ tweets by how the Mariners have responded to these goals (flat) the Nix continued their forward runs. Hungry on goal is the A-League’s favourite young Kiwi, Sarpreet Singh who passes to the happiest man on the team, Williams, during an eager penetrating run. David Williams doesn’t spare a single second, beats the defender and the keeper to make it 3-0.

After an exhilarating start to the evening, this half just couldn’t keep up with our need for watching an annihilation of Sea Bogans.

That’s until Roy Krishna got a second wing. Max Burgess with a hell of a run, finds Krishna making his and knows exactly what to do. Burgess passes to Krishna who’s quickly approaching and clearly has an anti-Kennedy aura around him as every time he got close to keeper Ben Kennedy, the poor bastard just lost his feet. Krishna slots another home and gives the Nix an opportunity to build that goal difference this evening.

Nearly as quickly as the first goal was scored in the first half, Cacace makes it 5-0 in the second half and the memes just cannot keep up. The man who is definitely getting my 3 Tobin points tonight, Krishna, still in the mix of yet another goal has yet another assist. With as many assists as a call centre, Krishna initially aiming for Wiliams in the box, the ball meets Cacace’s feet and ends up in the back of the net.

Not even 10 minutes later, travelling Nix fans find themselves Singhing home. Singh with a brace (I mean who can’t tonight) slots it right down the middle to make it *counts on fingers* 6-0.

What the f*ck. Barely a minute later, not even SIXTY MINUTES into this game and the Nix score again. What is happening. Singh this time joining Krishna in increasing his call centre qualifications and provides Fenton with an assist. Fenton this time with a beautiful run, again the seventh person to beat Kennedy tonight.

Three God damn minutes later the Mariners finally respond. I haven’t seen such a slow response since my last math exam. Clisby with more time on the ball than I spend at night scrolling through memes when I’m supposed to be asleep, sends in a bloody beautiful curved ball with his right foot.

The comeback continues in the 68th minute! The Mariners with a free kick in an excellent spot outside of the box and young lad Stephen Mallon finds the smallest space in between the wall and scores a freaking screamer. 7 f*cking 2.

Well, Singh jelly with Krishna’s brace, goes in for his own. Yeah nah I am not making this shit up. I was on the edge of my seat as I watched Sheridan approach goal, I caught my breath for the Mariners as I saw the ball just slide off his boot with no power. Alas here’s Ben Kennedy with a deflection. Singh catches the deflected ball and slots it f*cking home.

Even though the Mariners went down like an escort on a high paying job, it’s fair to point out how great both their goals were. The goal scorers did a great job. It’s just unfortunate about the rest of the team for the other 88 minutes.

I can safely assume the Mariners lads will all be joining Hoole for a few bevs to drown their sorrows while the Nix will head into next round on a an all time high.

By Rose Valente



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