Graham Arnold Turns Matt Simon’s Switch To On In Preparation For World Cup

During the third installment of ‘Sydney FC can’t beat the Mariners’ it looked as though a point was all the reigning premiers were going to take home, until the Wizard of Woy Woy came on that is.

10 minutes is all it took for Matt Simon to go from Super Sub to Forza Sydney FC.

It’s understood Graham Arnold is working with sport scientists as well as those weird cooky scientists who’ve lost the plot and want to do weird things with their intelligence, to configure Matt Simon to be the best striker in Qatar 2022.


Obviously there are very important factors that weigh in, the main concerns are age and well, skill. While the skill is currently worked on through Ninkovic and Mierzejewski putting in overtime after training, teaching Simon how to actually be a footballer. We also understand they have enlisted the almighty Cristiano Ronaldo for 3 x Skype sessions a week with Simon. After Ronaldo’s brilliant display in the E-League playing for literally every team, Arnold knew he was the man for this job.

Now, age. What do we do about a 32 year old striker trying to get into a team as a 36 year old striker? Well luckily he’s a Wizard, so he’ll be able to cast a spell.

The scientists have worked long and hard configuring every aspect of a footballer into Simon. They have used the same technology as the Adelaide journalists use to link all their players to the best in the world somehow.  


However, this technology must be used carefully. “We can’t just chuck him on for 90 minutes every game and watch him score 5 goals, people will know something’s up” one of the key scientists advised Graham Arnold.

The scientists programmed the switch into Simons body last month, prior to their Asian Champions League game. Since, their reports have found extremely positive use of the technology. “He’s scoring when he wants to” and “Yeah ya c***s” have been the most positive responses they’ve found from his acceleration as a footballer.

Now Simon has scored against the Central Coast Mariners in the dying minutes of a crucial game, the scientists are if anything, overwhelmed with their work. As the product is showing early signs of development, he may be on track to make it to Russia this year. While this was not their original plan, it sure will help Arnie keep this information under wraps when Simon is selected under Arnolds control.

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