JOWIC Plays Melbourne City Like They’re A Slow Track


At the latter end of our Friday night double header we saw the candy canes visit an un-thriving McDonald Jones Stadium as it was a Friday night in Newy and citizens of the fine city were too sloshed from happy hour to find their way out of the pub.

It was a slow start to the game as the teams were still on the come-down from Newy’s infamous happy hour. Except for Jamie Maclaren who must’ve had a few jagerbombs as he was the only one creating exciting chances.

While Delbridge was struggling to handle his long balls, Newcastle found a squiggle of attacking power and capitalised on City’s inability to finish. Twenty-something minutes in, Jair starts an attack which out of some beautiful team work, finds its way back on Jair’s head, beating Galekovic at the post.

Melbourne City continued to challenge Italiano like an e-player on beginner mode and Newcastle Jets continued to not run too much. Unless you were like me who had no idea, Newcastle Jets played an Asian Champions League qualifying match on Tuesday and need to be on the bus by 5am tomorrow for their next one. So this evenings game plan was to play like a bunch of stunned mullets.

Why didn’t City capitalise on this you ask? How the hell do I know. If that were me I would’ve taken advantage of the weak, second choice Newcastle team like they were a malfunctioning Woolworths self serve checkout.

As the second half kicks off, as does Schenkeveld. His shorts clearly so tight they are cutting off the circulation to his brain which decides whether a decision is correct or not, he takes out the goal scorer. And I don’t mean in a good way. Well I guess Jair was left face down, flat on the floor which sounds a little like my Valentines evening.

Delbridge and his long balls left the pitch early in the second half which saw Riley McGree make a comeback to the pitch where he scored the world famous Scorpion Kick. It was the kind of goal where you remember exactly where you were when you saw it. I was drinking at the Casino. Sounds about right.

While Jamie Maclaren and the rest of City pulled the Jets deep into the box, Luke Brattan finds a sneaky way past every defender to find Maclaren waiting for a tap in with his right foot. Not enough protection in the area resulted in a hell of a finish.

As my post-pizza coma and regret of not mixing a spirit with my coke kicked in, super gorgeous Adelson came on for the Newcastle Jets, whom I completely forgot still played in the A-League. As well as like Roy or something, in hopes they will inject some God forsaken energy into this dull game.

Just when I’d given up on absolutely everything, Jair sends down a peach of a ball which is passed on from O’Donovan to JOWIC (Joey Champness) who reminisced a type of stinky cartoon character with the amount of distance Jamieson was giving him. Champness beats both Jamieson and the bloke in goals who is twice his age, to make it 2 – 0.

The Newcastle Jets only moments later continued Part 2 of ‘When Substitutes Attack’ with Joey Champness establishing Roy O’Donovan has been given more space than the Mars Rover and provides a well timed pass for Roy to slot home.

If I had a 3 – 1 bet in the way of Newcastle Jets, I would’ve cashed out well within the first half.

The Newcastle Jets have to cut their celebration early [Insert Ernie Merrick’s unimpressed face here] to pack their bags for their early flight out of the country and City head home for the Melbourne Derby. However after that performance, I think they’d prefer to be the ones packing their bags to leave the country.

By Rose Valente

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